she started painting her nails black again. she thought It’s the only color that could make her get lost in it without thinking about anything else. without thinking about him again. she knew he would mess her up again and this time, she would not be able to handle it. maybe she didn’t want to light her heart up on fire again. she just wanted peace and happiness which couldn’t be acquired without thinking straight. she wanted to erase all of his little things from her mind. she couldn’t handle how nice and kind he was. she didn’t want to think about the one time he got her roses and took her out for a date because that memory was like a virus that couldn’t leave her body without destroying it. he was everything she wished for. every time she would look at him, her lungs would just ask for more and more oxygen but she had to let him go. for him to do what he wanted, she had to. she hid all of her colorful dresses she bought when they used to go out and replaced them with black clothing. she did feel dark and miserable and maybe this was just a phase and she will find someone again, someone who will make her feel alive again. no one questions her when she wears the same things everyday so she didn’t care. she just wanted to switch her brain off from all the deadly things. she wanted to do all the things she once loved. painting, singing, reading and everything else but her mind couldn’t stop raining with all the thoughts and memories she wanted to forget. her thoughts were able to eat her alive but she wouldn’t let that happen. at least she had that little control on it. she just wanted to feel okay again. she just wanted to find herself again but how could she? how can you find yourself when you are lost in someone else? she wanted to be normal again. she wanted to stay away from everyone else and wanted to stay away from all the people she once talked to. maybe a break but her lungs were on fire from not breathing when he came back, her eyes couldn’t look around anymore and her mouth wasn’t able to make sentences clearly. all she did was pray to never see his face again.

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